That Little Kitten

Went to see my therapist today. I was...not expecting to hear the things she said. She says I need a drastic change to fix my procrastinating habits, and be able to reliably act like a mature, responsible adult, and I agree with that, but...one of the ways she's suggesting is to take away my computer entirely.

I don't know what to do. I can tell her and my parents all I want that I have you guys, and that I can't leave you hanging for who knows how long like that, but they'll just think I'm trying to use that as an excuse to keep the distraction and escape that the internet offers, which if I'm honest is a huge, huge problem for me. I spend time in my room on the laptop instead of going out looking around for local jobs, or doing my chores, or...pretty much anything. I'm horrible about that and fully admit it. But they're right in that I just can't change that habit on my own, and that I need some sort of system to keep me from doing that. But the easiest solution is the one I just can't accept.

She wants me to come in with my parents in a few weeks to solidify a system to force me into better habits. I'm gonna try and come up with a system that will work but also won't remove me completely from you guys, but I don't know if they'll accept it. Maybe I'll get lucky but...I dunno.

Okay, so I'm kind of scared as hell right now. I just got back from an interview, and I'm on the track to get hired, but...it's as an insurance agent. Not only would I be going out to try and make sales with customers, but it'd be pay by commission. Normally I'd run like hell from a job like this, but the environment and policies make it seem...I dunno, safer? Calls to make appointments have scripts, you're making drops of packets before trying to make any sort of sale, so it's not like cold calling or anything, and it seems like they focus more on helping everyone be successful in getting sales? Even after I explained that I tend to shy away from heavy interaction with customers and get nervous about messing up the impression someone has about the company I'm with, the manager explained that he thought my 'analytical' approach to dealing with things could actually be helpful, and that training and practice would help curb any other problems. And that's...a lot like what my parents and therapist keep telling me.

But I'm terrified of going forward with this. If I try and fuck up, I fuck up HARD and don't have anything to show for my effort. Yeah, even just getting like 12 sales in a year would be survivable, but what guarantee do i have that I'll even get one sale? It feels like too much of my success would be riding on luck and skills that I'm not sure I'm all that great at. But even then they're still willing to give me a shot! I...this is the first permanent position I've had a shot at landing in a long time. I'm scared to take it, but I'm also scared to reject the chance at getting back on my feet professionally. Like I told the interviewer, you don't get anywhere in the job market without pushing your boundaries. But what if this would be pushing them too far?

Oh god am I ever glad to be out of that job. I was expecting to be transferring calls and sorting files, not dealing with the customers directly and having to help them with account issues. Did not help when a lot of them were really angry thanks to them being idiots about managing their money...argh. At least it's behind me, and I got some money from that clusterfuck.

/minor rant

Ugh, has the sicks. Just a stuffy nose and a bit of coughing, but I'm not taking any risks on letting it get worse. At least I have new ponies to oggle at, found out that some sets I'd been drooling over finally came out and nabbed them. :D Now I has a full set of the CMC, even if Applebloom is in the alt pose, which while it's not BAD, still bugs me since she won't match. :\ Ah well, I can just get the At the Fair pack with her to fix that. *is so weird*

Still have to finish re-hairing and painting and argh. Plus that SH commission I've been sitting on forever, and the G1 re-makes that I need to finish so I can get them sold. And and and. ARGH. Look at my life, look at my choices.

I am so out of it.

Envy's hair is about half done now. I've got Al's paint job started but it really doesn't want to go on evenly. Eh, nature of the beast.

Been futzing around with a free vectoring program and making symbols for God Tiers from Homestuck. I'm having way too much fun with that but at least it's easy. Still need to work on the Silent Hill thing, though. Damnit.

Head is foggy, don't wanna get out of bed...mr. I'll be happy when I can get my frikkin' prescription filled again. I think I'm gonna at least call my doctor after New Years and see if she can't find a solution for me, because a month is just stupid.

I hate re-shifting me schedule. I'm tired as fuck and feel like I got hit by a train, ugh.

Did a bit of job search stuff this week, but I'm slipping like mad on that, too. Not that I really expect to get much right now, but...sigh.

Been making a lot of cookies, too. My peppermint pinwheel cookies went over pretty well, people just can't decide if there's not enough peppermint or if it needs more chocolate. I'll chalk it up to personal taste and call it even.

...whoops, been forgetting my daily updates again. Dammit. My lack of Aderall is not helping this--I really hope the pharmacy gets a shipment in soon. >_<

Had a couple interviews this week, but I'm not sure much will come of them. ._. Especialy since I was an hour late to one of them, ARGH!

Working slowly on Al pony, and still need to re-hair Envy. Why I always put off re-hairing, I have no idea. Need to figure out how much I'm willing to pay for gifts this year, too--shopping needs to happen pretty quick...

brb didneylan

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Might have an interview happening later this week. I hope I do, just to get out of the house. Finished Zecora and I'm waiting on a reply back before sending her out. Started modding some of the pets the ponies come with to match the in-show pets for shits and giggles, and Envy's done with paint and sealing, just needs to be haired now.

Gonna be helping mom with cooking for the two Thanksgiving dinners she's hosting for the two sides of the family, so that'll be fun. But I'm just...so out there right now. Doesn't help that I ran out of the Aderall for my ADDness and none of the pharmacies around here seem to be stocked with it for my refill prescription. Oops.

...not sure what else to talk about right now. Wheeeeeee!

And lets try to get back to that updating schedule, shall we? x_x Gah, I got lazy over the weekend. Still need to finish Zecora so I can get paid for her, then I need to work on Granny Smith...auuuuuuuuuugh. And laundry is still waiting to be folded up, and then there's cleaning the bathroom, cooking dinner tonight...I guess it's good that I have something to get done at least.

I'm kinda considering taking a step back from RP for a while. I'm feeling burnt-out in general, and I'm pretty sure my quality isn't at it's best right now. I'll finish existing threads, but...yeah. A week or two off might help my mood a bit.

God, Christmas time is sneaking up fast. ._. I need to start getting presents ready for people.

Daily talk, morning job search...bleh, I'm getting tired of keeping up with this. Game last night was fun at least, and we watched Captain America afterward.

I don't know if I'm getting resistant to my meds or if I'm just having a really bad mood swing, but it's the first time in a while I've noticed myself getting so apathetic for this long. Kinda worries me, but at least I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow to talk about it.

Whoop, forgot to type this up earlier! Interview this morning went pretty well, I'm scheduled for a second interview on Friday morning! Other than that, not much to report, just have a lot of cleaning to catch up on around here. Jeez, I get messy fast. @_@;

Gonna be out at a game tonight, so I probably won't be on IRC tonight. Good luck to all with your writing!

And back to the weekday grind. Applying for jobs, but I do have a interview scheduled for tomorrow! Need to go apply to my guildmistress' job place too, since she said they're really looking to hire right now. Call center job, all incoming jobs and dealing with established customers, so I could handle it. Crossed fingers, everybody!

Definitely gonna sit down and finish painting Zecora today. The girl commissioning her from me said she'll be ready to pay on the 11th, but I just want her DONE at this point. It bugs me having her sit there unfinished. ...speaking of unfinished, I still have to re-hair Posey, Twilight, and Sparkler. ARGH. I need to get that set up for saaaaaaale.

Hm, what else. Poking at altering my fox girl costume, and maybe changing the character to a general animal changeling. I'll be talking with a friend next weekend at Faire about how we could go about it.

Little bit of job-searching today, but mostly getting ready for Faire come tomorrow. :D Still debating whether or not I'll spend the night--I guess it depends on who all would be sticking around the campsite in the evening. Probably will wind up bringing my tent just in case, though, and there's always someone that's in need of a place to crash come nightfall.

I'll prooooobably be out of reach this evening--going to help set up camp at the park, then going to Isa's around 8. Busy busy day, yo!

More job applying. Got an e-mail back from one of them saying they're interested in an interview, so that's progress.

Putting the costume project on hold, since I don't want to spend too much money at the moment with Faire coming up. Instead my brain has latched onto the idea of making a base sheet that people can use to design God Tiers. Why is my brain so Homestuck right now.

Probably gonna spend a good portion of today on laundry and packing what I'll need for Faire. Still not sure if I want to spend the night this weekend, since the guildmasters aren't and they're the ones I primarily hang out with in the evening. I don't...really do the 'wander from camp to camp getting blitzed' thing that most others do. I like just sitting with the people I know and like and talking with them. >_> IDGAF if I'm doing it wrong though, I like it.

...shit, the kitchen looks like a bomb went off. That's gonna be annoying as hell. Oh, well. Should vacuum the house too, while I'm at it. And get dad to tell me what I owe for rent last month already, goddamnit.

Woop woop daily update! Applied for a good amount of jobs this morning, though once again I slept in a bit too late, oops. Not that bad, though, I'm still getting everything done. Need to get some of my customs ready to be shipped today, and then maybe I'll go by Joanne's for a costume idea that's really not letting go of my brain, haha. But having a new costume for cons won't be so bad! I was never really happy with my Ed costume thanks to me being so perfectionist about it. This one I should hopefully be able to actually pull off on my own...if I can figure out how to do patterns. Mrr.

Probably gonna Minecraft and doodle today. I should be around tonight for RP, I'm not currently planning on heading out anywhere this evening.

Second daily update! Just finished my hour of job-search by applying at Target, and for some reason the world feels like it's tilting to the left. o_0 I don't think these are related, but it started half-way through the questionnaire. ...Oh wait, it's my chair being stupid NEVERMIND.

Forgot to finish moving my laundry along yesterday, so I get to do that today, and just took care of the dishes downstairs. Still gotta clean some pots and pans later, but eh.

Managed to finish Braeburn for a customer yesterday! He just needs styling and to be shipped off now, and I can get back to work on Zecora. And they just asked me to do three more, though these will be the little blind-bag solid ones. But who gives a crap MORE MONEYS.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch the Homestuck EoA flash over and over until I have the damn thing memorized. I may wind up making a template thing for various God Tier classes, hmmmm.

Okay. So. On suggestion of my therapist, I'm gonna try and update on here with random trivia about my day and what I've done. Maybe this will help me keep on track with important things like job-searching and getting my fucking chores done.

SO! Started off my fix-my-'jet-lag' program of two melatonin pills at midnight last night, and I managed to get up at about 10 this morning, which was my goal! Huzzah! Woke up randomly at about 5, but that's probably because I've like. Somehow trained my body to get way less sleep than it needs. Hardcore shadows under my eyes the last few months, bro. Hardcore.

Spent over an hour on job searches, though a good half-hour of that was wasted on a long form for a job I didn't realize wasn't accepting any more applications once I was done. Damnit. Next on the agenda is an hour on the treadmill while catching up on Daily Show and Colbert, then finally finishing my laundry. After that I'm gonna hopefully finish up a commission pony that is due to a customer, then I'll. I dunno, figure out something to do.

Oh, for the plan thread for the creepy Envy? Just gimme a poke when it's time for m!Ed and Al to show up, I've got the thread on a saved tab. And sorry if I've been lurky lately, I have spent way too much time on the Zecora pony lately. @_@;;;;;; Y SO HARD, ZEBRA STRIPES.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_Unity_Day



WAT.

God, it's been a while since I posted. Might as well make a rambley post about stuff I guess.

Decided to restart my game of SoulSilver for shits and giggles today, do a modified Nuzlocke run. Still treat fainted Pokemon as permanently dead, but instead of only the first Pokemon seen in an area, I can capture any Pokemon as long as I don't have a Pokemon of the same color by the Pokedex's labels, which limits me to 10 Pokemon total available to me. Might add a rule that I can't re-capture a Pokemon that fainted before. This will be...interesting. Started with Chikorita this time around.

Been poking at nebulous plans for future pony custom making, once I finally finish this current batch I've got. Aiming to go more for what I know a lot of bronies want, so I'm figuring out how much I want to charge show-accurate Rainbow Dash rehairs and Derpy customs. Decided to give up on anyone getting re-stocked in Lemonade hair and went looking for an alternate option, and the Napalm color actually seems to suit Derpy much better. Can't decide if I wanna do some Doctor Whooves customs as well with the brown hair I have left over from a personal custom. But first, I need to finish this Big Mac I'm doing for someone, which means I get to blend hair for the plugs. CRAI SOB SOB.

Hmmm, what else...haven't had much news on the job front since my last interviews, but the most recent one did seem promising--she said to not expect any calls about it for two weeks, since they have other stuff they're figuring out, but I think I have a fairly good chance there. Hit it off well with the boss there who was interviewing me, though I was a dumbass and mentioned my ponies when she asked about what I do for fun. ._. That's...slightly less creepy than saying I pretend to be other people in a fictional world online with people I've never met before, right? And still have heard jack all about the receptionist job in Poway that I was drooling over; I'll send one last e-mail off to the agency about that before calling it a wash.

Fiddled around with my coloring style when I did Isa's icons, and I...think I like the idea of a lineless style. It'll take a few attempts to figure out a less annoying way to do it, but it does make my style look really fuckin' sweet. :D ...shit, still need to finish the Silent Hill picture for Neil. AUGH I FAIL.

Had some ideas for Homestuck troll OCs rolling around my head for a long while, and finally getting them down on paper--or at least their sprites. It's actually kinda fun, though getting the hair to look right with Paint is ANNOYING AS FUCK. Can't decide what I really want to do with them other than go 'lol look what I made gaiz'. Also vaguely considering writing out a big rant of my headcanon for S___B /the Incipisphere/Hussie's fucking crackbaby, because holy shit is that whole thing ever a beautiful pseudo-mythological riff-off of greatness. Also, establishing how Lord English runs his damn worlds would let me stop obsessing over the little details for no damn reason.

God, what else. Need to draw more, gonna cook fajitas for the family some time this week, brownies are delicious, Minecraft is boring me again...I dunno. Loosing motivation for most of my RP stuff, might wanna take a step away from it after I finish my current threads so I can get all the rest of my shit done. God, I need income.

...speaking of, I gotta get my SSI thingy filled out and in the mail today. Yay for another little bit of cash!